Overapologising: Why do I keep apologising - and how do you stop saying sorry?

Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word… For People-Pleasers Not to Use!

I wanted to write about something close to my heart and probably familiar to many of you – the habit of over-apologising.

Just the other day, I caught myself in one of those classic moments.

I went for food, and my meal wasn’t quite right. When I went to tell the the waiter, the first word out of my mouth was, “Sorry.” It was like I was apologising for the error they’d made! it really reminded me of how this habit can show up now and then, even after all the work I’ve done to stop my people-pleasing.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I do that too!” – you’re not alone.

Over-apologising can feel automatic, almost second nature, for many of us. But why is that? And, importantly, how can we break the habit?

Why Do You Over-Apologise?

One of the main reasons over-apologising feels so ingrained is because it’s often a learned, almost procedural response.

It’s something we’ve done repeatedly, like riding a bike – only it’s become a reflex we don’t even think about.

For a lot of people-pleasers, apologising becomes a quick, go-to way to smooth things over or avoid judgement. It’s as if we believe that by saying “sorry,” we’re signalling that we’re easygoing, likeable, and non-confrontational.

Maybe you’ve done the classic apologising when someone holds the door for you, and suddenly you’re jogging through it, apologising all the way- saying sorry for the fact that person has made a choice to hold a door open for you.

Or maybe you’ve said, “Sorry” when someone has bumped into you! Maybe you’ve been rammed by someone’s trilley in the supermarket yet you’re the one apologising profusely…

Each time we apologise unnecessarily, we’re telling ourselves – even if subtly – that we’re somehow responsible for keeping the peace, or that our needs are secondary.

Whats At The Root?

So why is this habit so ingrained, particularly in people-pleasers? For many of us, apologising became a way to stay safe, avoid conflict, or keep the peace. If you grew up feeling responsible for others’ emotions or constantly trying to be the “good girl” who keeps things smooth, it can feel instinctual to say “sorry” – whether or not there’s actually anything to apologise for.

There’s also something known as the “Fawn Response” – a natural threat response that involves appeasing people to feel safer. When this becomes a pattern, even if there’s no actual threat, our brain learns to offer an apology as a quick fix to avoid any potential discomfort. This response can feel so automatic that we’re often unaware of it until after we’ve already apologised.

Noticing Your Patterns

Becoming curious about your own patterns with over-apologising can make a big difference. Notice when you tend to apologise: Is it around specific people, in certain situations, or about particular issues? Do you apologise more at work, with family, or when you’re anxious? Are there certain phrases you say to apologise? Awareness is a powerful tool, and it can be the first step toward making a change.

Practical Steps to Help You Say “Sorry” Less Often

Now, onto some practical steps for reclaiming your voice and using “sorry” more sparingly!

1. Pause and Rephrase
One of the best ways to start is by creating a little pause before you apologise. If you catch yourself about to say “sorry,” ask yourself, “Is an apology actually necessary here?” If not, try replacing it with a phrase that shows gratitude or neutrality. Instead of, “Sorry for bothering you,” try, “Thank you for your time.” It acknowledges the other person without putting you down.

2. Get Curious About Your Apologies
A helpful exercise is to track your apologies for a few days. Jot down each time you notice yourself saying “sorry” unnecessarily and the context. Do you find it’s more common in certain settings? When you’re around particular people? It might feel tedious at first, but this awareness can help you spot patterns you may not have noticed. And the more you know, the more control you gain over your responses.

3. Use Assertive Language
Practising assertive language is another way to break the habit. If you’re used to softening your language with “sorry,” this might feel strange at first. Instead of, “Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner,” try, “Thank you for your patience.” Or if someone bumps into you, a simple “No worries!” can work just as well without you taking the blame. These small shifts may feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, they can reinforce a more confident sense of self.

4. Replace “Sorry” with a Thoughtful Response
Sometimes, it helps to replace “sorry” with a phrase that better fits the situation. For instance, if you’re late to a meeting, instead of saying, “Sorry I’m late,” you could say, “Thank you for waiting.” Or, when bringing up a concern, rather than starting with, “I’m sorry to bring this up,” try, “I’d like to address something important.” This language change respects both your needs and the other person’s time.

The Benefits of Cutting Down on Apologies

So, what happens when we stop over-apologising? It’s not just about using fewer words – it’s about building trust and confidence in yourself. Each time you skip an unnecessary apology, you’re affirming that you matter, that your needs and feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s. You’re reinforcing a message to yourself that you don’t have to be sorry for existing, for having needs, or for simply being you.

This shift can also strengthen your relationships. When you stop over-apologising, you’re able to show up more authentically, inviting others to respect the real you, not just the version trying to keep the peace.

Final Thoughts

Now, I know this is all easier said than done. I still catch myself wanting to apologise more than necessary! But with practice, it can become easier to notice these moments and make small adjustments. So give it a try, see how it feels.

And, if you find it difficult to change this pattern please know that it makes sense! The body (and mind) want to keep you safe and saying sorry may have developed as a learned protective response. Therefore to stop doing it feels ‘risky’ - even when rationally you know you don’t need to apologise to stay safe, deeper work might be needed for your body to believe what you’re telling it.

That’s exactly why my approach goes deeper than surface level advice and helps you get to and address the root of your difficulties - for long-term sustainable change.

Get in touch if you want to find out more