As an experienced Therapist I have a problem with the "‘Let Them Theory’
As someone who spent decades stuck in anxious people-pleasing mode, no amount of Mel Robbins telling me to just let them would’ve stopped people-pleaser me spiralling over that short, slightly blunt text message
The one that felt like they were being ‘funny’ with me.
The one that had me convinced I’d done something wrong.
The one that made my stomach flip and go into overthinking mode.
Maybe you can relate?
Retyping your reply ten times. Careful not to sound needy or anxious.
Not too apologetic, not too confident, not too much.
Just warm enough.
Just vague enough.
Just to see how their next reply sounds.
I’m pretty sure that if “just let them” was an option, you would’ve. Who wouldn’t!?
When I was in full-on people-pleasing mode I’d have wanted to.
But when your nervous system sees rejection, disapproval, or emotional distance as a threat … when it’s learned that disconnection isn’t safe…then “letting them” be short with you or upset with you, doesn’t feel empowering - it feels awful.
Because it’s not about mindset - it’s about survival
Why the “Let Them Theory” Sounds Good on Paper
Mel Robbins’ (although google the controversy over where this originally came from) Let Them Theory has gone viral and on the surface, I get it.
It says: if people don’t text you back, let them. If someone pulls away, let them. If they disapprove, let them.
The idea is to stop feeling responsible for others, stop trying to control how others feel or behave. Let them do what they’re going to do - and protect your peace. So yes, it definitely sounds empowering and encouraging.
But for a lot of people - especially those with trauma histories, people-pleasing patterns, rejection sensitivity, or neurodivergent wiring - that sentence can feel a bit like a slap in the face.
Because simplifying the problem and assuming it’s such a simple solution is a bit of a p*sstake to be honest.
“Just Letting Them” Doesn’t Work When Your Body Thinks It’s Unsafe
This isn’t about logic and mindset.
This is about the full-body anxiety response that gets triggered when someone seems even slightly off with you.
Because when you grew up having to be the peacemaker…
The one who suppressed your own needs for the sake of everyone else’s
The one who knew when the mood shifted and tried to fix it.
The one who got love, acceptance or safety only when you kept everyone happy…
Then your nervous system is wired to see disconnection as a threat.
Letting someone be annoyed with you doesn’t feel peaceful - It feels like something bad is about to happen.
You’re not being irrational. You’re remembering.
Your body still associates conflict, criticism, or being misunderstood with emotional and maybe even physical, pain.
“Let them” doesn’t feel like freedom.
It feels like abandonment. Rejection. Shame. Danger.
The Fawn Response: The People-Pleaser’s Default Mode
The terms ‘people-pleasing’ and ‘fawning’ are often used interchangeably, depending on the perspective or lens someone is coming from.
Fawning is essentially people-pleasing as a survival strategy - it’s what happens when you appease, self-abandon, or go along with others to avoid a perceived emotional or physical threat. The difference often comes down to how someone defines ‘threat’. In trauma-informed language, ‘fawning’ acknowledges the nervous system’s role in this response: it’s not just a habit, it’s a deeply wired protective strategy. So whether someone uses the term people-pleasing or fawning might depend on whether they see it as a behavioural pattern, a relational strategy, or a nervous system response rooted in trauma.
But regardless of term -
You might not even realise you’re doing it.
You just need them to be okay with you.
You’ll bend, overthink, explain, apologise — just to make the tension go away.
It’s not because you’re weak.
It’s because your body remembers what it once cost to not please.
You’re Not Failing Because “Letting Them” Feels Hard
If you’ve tried to let someone be disappointed,
…or sat with the discomfort of not replying straight away,
…or told yourself not to chase validation —
and you’ve still spiralled.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
It doesn’t mean you’re broken or failing or weak.
It means your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe.
Here’s How To Stop People-Pleasing - From an actual people-pleasing specialist
🌀 Understand why you respond the way you do
What happened in your past that taught your nervous system to use people-pleasing as a survival strategy?
When did it feel safer to put everyone else’s needs, wants, and comforts ahead of your own?
Gaining insight into where and why your people-pleasing patterns developed is one of the most powerful steps you can take. It gives you the clarity to step back and see your behaviour differently — not as a flaw, but as something that once protected you.
🧠 Notice and Change Automatic Patterns
Start noticing, with curiosity rather than criticism, how people-pleasing shows up across your life.
Spoiler alert: it’s not just about saying yes when you want to say no.
It can show up in:
The thoughts you tell yourself
The emotions you suppress
The tension or tightness in your body
The behaviours you avoid or overdo
To change your responses, you first need clarity on what you’re doing and why. From there, you can begin to:
Challenge old thoughts
Take small steps to shift your behaviour
Acknowledge your emotions and listen to what they’re trying to tell you
Ask your body: what is it remembering? what does it need to feel safe?
This is about working with your nervous system, not against it.
📜 Let Go of Internalised Rules
Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours often reflect unspoken rules that were placed on you growing up — from family, culture, school, religion, or past relationships.
Rules like:
“I must always put everyone else first or I’m selfish.”
“If I say no, people will think I’m rude or reject me.”
When you can name the rules you’ve internalised, you gain the power to question them.
Ask yourself:
Is this rule still serving me?
Would I expect someone I love to live by this rule?
How could I reframe it into a healthier, more self-respecting guideline?
For example:
“I must always put others first” → “My needs matter too, and I can consider both mine and others’.”
🗣️ Own Your Wants, Needs, and Voice
If you’ve spent years prioritising others, it’s completely normal to lose touch with what you want and need. (Believe me — I’ve been there. No wonder I used to feel so indecisive!)
Reconnecting with your inner voice takes time and gentleness.
It involves:
Identifying what you actually want (beyond what others expect of you)
Learning how to say no without spiralling into guilt
Setting boundaries that honour you
Letting people feel disappointed without it feeling like the end of the world
You don’t need to bulldoze your way to assertiveness — this is about nervous system safety and regulation. It’s learning to step back without shutting down, to speak up without shame, and to honour your truth without apology.
🔑 Cultivate Self-Belief, Self-Trust & Confidence
This is about rebuilding inner safety and developing the kind of confidence that doesn’t rely on external approval.
Instead of asking three other people (or ChatGPT 😅) before making a decision, you start learning how to tune into yourself — your instincts, your body, your values — and trust what comes up. You begin navigating life with less fear and more clarity, because you’re no longer outsourcing your worth or authority.
🧰 Keep going with a toolbox of strategies that work for you and don’t be afraid to access support.
Find the strategies that actually work for you — tailored to your nervous system, your history, and your life. That might include:
Cognitive restructuring to reframe unhelpful thoughts
Grounding techniques to regulate in the moment
Self-compassion tools to quiet your inner critic
Boundary scripts to support clear, kind communication
While people-pleasing is incredibly common, your experience of it is still uniquely yours. So the strategies that help you move through it need to reflect you - not just a generic list of tips, but an evolving toolbox of what works for your nervous system and your context.
Real Talk From the Therapy Room
We see all the time (or maybe it’s my social media algorithm…) just set boundaries, just be you, just let them - if it was that simple we’d all be doing it already and I wouldn’t be sat here typing this blog post. The thing is, deep down, we want it to be, we wish it was that simple which is often why the people giving these tips and simplified solutions do so well.
I’m not saying “Let Them Theory” is completely wrong. It’s just incomplete.
You can get to a place where someone being upset doesn’t derail you.
Where you don’t feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
Where your worth isn’t tied to approval or harmony.
But that comes from safety, not slogans. From healing, not hustle. From rewiring your body and beliefs — not just repeating “let them” on loop.
If it hasn’t worked for you, you haven’t failed and it doesn’t mean you’ll never be able to stop feeling responsible for everyone else.
It just means your system is trying it’ best to protect you - and to get to a stage where you really can ‘let them’, your mind and body need to be taught that you’re safe.
If you’re ready to stop spiralling into overthinking at the sight of a short sounding text and get to a stage where you can feel you’re not responsible for how everyone else feels, this is the work I do every day.
Through my integrated therapy approach, coaching and mentoring, I help women who feel they’re too much and yet never quite good enough, people-pleasers, perfectionists, and those with low self esteem, address the root of what’s keeping them stuck and teach them how to feel safe being their real selves, with authentic confidence.
🌿 You can explore how to work with me [here].
Or get started by getting in touch today [contact me]
You can feel free.
But not by forcing it - by understanding yourself enough to set yourself free.
Charlotte x
