What Is People-Pleasing – and Why Don’t We Always Realise We’re Doing It?
For a long time, I never thought I was a people-pleaser.
I just thought I was being kind. The one people could rely on. And thinking that felt good, because if we’re honest, who doesn’t want to be the one people know they can turn to when they need help?
Externally my behaviour suggested I was: Easygoing. Helpful. Laid Back.
Internally I felt: Mentally and Physically Exhausted. Wired. Resentful (but guilty for feeling that way), Anxious, Uncertain. Doubting. Self-conscious. On Edge…like I was stuck in hypervigilance, on the look out for who what where and when I’d be needed and feeling responsible for making sure everyone felt ok.
How this showed up was saying yes when I meant no.
I took on everyone’s emotional load. Never told anyone if they did something to upset me, because I didn’t want to upset them. Stayed late at work unpaid. Didn’t delegate when I could because I felt bad if I did. Nodded along to things I didn’t rally agree with. Apologising to people who walked into me. Re-typing messages 10 times because I was worried they’d take what I said the wrong way. Replayed conversations to make sure I’d said the ‘right thing’. Was the ‘responsible one’ in relationships - tasked with all the household tasks, remembering important dates (despite my mind being so overloaded that I struggled to remember the date of my friend of 30 years!).
Did everything for everyone. Made myself available to everyone… except myself.
And the thing is this felt ‘normal’ to me. It didn’t even feel like an option to not do these things. If I didn’t do these things it would feel so bad - The guilt was overwhelming. Not just thoughts like “I’ve let someone down,” but a full-body sense that I’d done something wrong. Because I’d broken the rules I’d internalised for years. The rules that told me “You must always put others before yourself” “If you prioritise what you need then you’re a bad person” “If you don’t keep everyone happy then you’ll be rejected”
These rules had shaped my behaviour for most of my life and I hadn’t even realised
Because it felt like it was ‘just the way I was’ - it felt like it was ‘me’
Until I realised it wasn’t even about me…. it was about ‘them’ - the people, the places, the situations, the environments, the society, the culture, the school system, the other contexts from which I’d absorbed spoken and unspoken messages that told me how I should and shouldn’t ‘be’.
People-Pleasing isn’t a fixed personality trait - people-pleasing is learned.
And it can be unlearned!
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is when we consistently prioritise other people’s needs, comfort, or approval - at the expense of our own. Not because of kindness but because of fear.
People-pleasing is a protective strategy that keeps us feeling emotionally and physically safe.
It’s the internalised belief that doing what others want, giving them what they need, keeping others happy - keeps us secure and accepted, and ‘worthy’ of being loved.
It’s not about us being generous and helpful - its about protecting us from a deeper belief that disappointing someone = threat.
A threat in terms of disconnection, withdrawal, punishment or rejection
It’s not a conscious decision. You don’t wake up and say, “Let me sacrifice myself for everyone else so I can feel ok about myself ”
It’s a survival strategy. A way of navigating the world that says:
“Others needs matter more than mine”
“Be easy.”
“Don’t upset anyone.”
“Be what they need.”
And because it’s so familiar, it just feels like who you are.
Everyday signs of people-pleasing
You might have gathered from what I wrote about my own experience - people-pleasing doesn’t always look obvious. It hides in plain sight.
It might look like:
Agreeing to go to your in-laws every weekend—even though you’d rather be alone with your book.
Asking for everyone’s input before making a decision—because you don’t know or trust yourself.
Apologising when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Saying yes to social plans you dread, just so you won’t disappoint anyone or don’t want to risk them not inviting you to the next social thing.
Being the emotional caretaker in every relationship—and feeling resentful, but stuck.
Where does people-pleasing come from?
From a trauma-informed lens, people-pleasing is a protective response.
It’s sometimes called the fawn response. Think of it as a survival strategy where we keep others happy to avoid threat or disconnection.
You may have grown up being the “good girl.” Taught to be seen and not heard. To be “agreeable” don’t be “difficult”.
Taught not to show too much emotion or be too sensitive. Not to need too much. Not to be talkative or too quiet…or too loud or too shy…
Maybe you learned you as you are, was '“too much”:
Love was conditional on your behaviour, on adapting and masking.
Expressing emotion got you punished, shamed, or ignored.
Being helpful and agreeable made you safer.
And as children, we don’t have the cognitive development in our brains to think, “Mum’s having a bad day.”
We feel the rejection or anger and draw conclusions: “I need to be more careful.” “I’ve done something wrong” “I’m bad” “I’m too needy…too much”
So your nervous system learns: self-sacrifice = safety. Pleasing = protection. Masking = acceptance.
And, this isn’t about blaming anyone. It’s about being curious and open to understanding and acknowledging the context in which these patterns formed
But is People-Pleasing always from Childhood?
Not always. People-pleasing often starts in childhood, and it’s reinforced by later life experiences.
Toxic relationships, bullying, workplace dynamics, burnout from being “the dependable one”—they can all deepen the pattern.
And for neurodivergent women—especially those with ADHD—there’s often years of masking. Trying to be more “together,” less “much,” more “palatable.”
Pleasing becomes a way to avoid criticism or rejection in a world that hasn’t always felt safe.
Even if the seed is planted early, life waters it.
And, fawning as a survivial response to a single traumatic experience such as an abusive relationship may result in you continuing to people-please even when that situation has passed - whenever your mind or body is reminded of that time or you feel emotionally or physically unsafe.
Why is people-pleasing a bad thing?
The problem occurs when we mistake people-pleasing for kindness.
When we have suppressed ourselves for so long that we sometimes don’t realise we are agreeing to things we don’t want to do , or we are saying yes out of a fear of how it might feel if we say no.
And often we don’t realise it’s costing us anything until something breaks.
Burnout. Resentment. Anxiety. Relationships Break-ups. Depression. Shutdown.
That vague sense of not knowing who you are anymore underneath all the over-functioning.
And even when you know you need to stop people-pleasing for your health or you want to stop, it can sound simple - ‘just set boundaries’.
But for most people-pleasers it’s not simple. It’s terrifying.
Because people-pleasing isn’t just about behaviour—it’s a nervous system imprint.
It’s deeply tied to safety, belonging, and identity.
You might think:
“If I stop people-pleasing, who even am I?” “what if no one likes me?” “what if I know longer like me” “what if I become a horrible selfish person”
They are common, understandable - and powerful - question to ask.
Our nervous system seeks the familiar - even when we ‘know’ it’s not good for us - because it feels safer than going into the unfamiliar.
But you can stop people-pleasing - and still be the kind and considerate person you are. You can do things for others AND make time for you.
Can people-pleasing be unlearned?
Yes. One hundred percent, yes. I’m proof of that and so are hundreds of people I’ve worked with over the years.
But this isn’t about forcing yourself to be “more assertive” or no longer do anything for anyone again.
It’s about more than mindset hacks too.
It’s about:
Understanding the why behind the pattern.
Noticing the way it shows up in your thoughts emotions, body and behaviours. The patterns unique to you and starting to change those in a way that works with your nervous system not against it - so it learns it’s safe enough to change.
Letting go of internalised rules so you can make time for yourself without guilt, say no without fear, say yes to yourself without worrying you’ve upset someone in the process.
Owning your wants, needs and voice - reconnecting with who you really are, what you like and want and starting to honour that. Learning how to set boundaries effectively and how to communicate what you need.
Cultivating self-trust and self-belief and authentic confidence in all areas of life. Tuning into yourself to guide you to where you want to get to in life and/or business.
Keeping embodying a life that feels like yours, with a toolkit of techniques and tools that you find work for you and you know you can revisit whenever you need Giving yourself the safety you once had to seek through others.
These are the 6 phases of my Unlock method that I tailor to the people-pleasers I work with.
People-pleasing patterns are engrained - they run deep. It doesn’t mean that they can’t be unlearned, it just means we have to go deep too.
That’s why my method incorporates 25+ years of studying all things psychology and neuroscience, 15+ years experience within the mental health field with all my training and qualifications in modalities such as EMDR, Schema Therapy, CBT, Somatic practices and more.
This work isn’t always easy, but it’s life-changing. It’s transformative. It’s liberating. it’s freedom to finally ‘be’.
How do I begin to stop people-pleasing?
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. And it’s not about avoiding people that you find yourself pleasing.
A good first step is to begin by noticing: With curiosity not criticism. Knowing what you know now about people-pleasing being a protective response, start to notice
Where do I feel the most pressure to people-please?
How does this show up in my thoughts, emotions, body and behaviour ?
What do these patterns tell me about what it might be trying to protect me from?
These small moments of acknowledging your people-pleasing are so powerful because it helps you unhook from being ‘in’ them to observing them.
They’re the beginning of a deeper kind of freedom.
The problem isn’t that you’re ‘too much’
The problem isn’t that you’re too needy, too sensitive, or too much. The problem is that you were taught that you had suppress. To feel accepted and loved you learned to be less.
You don’t have to keep shrinking to be accepted. You don’t have to keep saying yes to stay safe.
You can unlearn the pattern. You can reclaim your space, your voice, and your needs.
And you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here whenever you want to take the next step - feel free to get in touch or come over to Instagram and follow along for my relatable and informative content over there.
